Being a parent can be stressful even during the best of times. Raising kids requires a lot of time and energy that goes into taking care of others emotionally and physically, in ways that naturally stretch beyond the care that you would just have to provide for yourself. Instead of scheduling just your own doctor’s appointments or cooking your own meals, you’re probably doing these things for your whole family. Instead of managing the time and finances of yourself, and maybe your partner, with kids you take on the responsibility of planning for them too. It can be easy to feel like your life has become about others, and to lose sight of your own well-being as you’re keeping the family afloat.
In August of 2024, the U.S. Surgeon General released an Advisory on the Mental Health & Wellbeing of Parents, titled “Parents Under Pressure.” From this advisory, we learned that caregivers are doing more overall in their days and experiencing higher rates of stress than ever before. The report outlines that working employment hours for parents have increased over time at a rate of 28% for mothers and 4% for fathers. While caregivers are expected to work more, the data also shows that they are spending increased amounts of time dedicated to primary acts of childcare. Time spent on primary childcare weekly increased by about 40% for mothers and by 154% for fathers. During this time, parents are caring for their children physically, engaging in education-related activities, reading to children, playing with children, and a variety of other activities. This time does not include the time spent being with children in general. As a result of increasing demands from both work and childcare, parents are experiencing higher levels of strain than ever before. The increased time spent on each is coming from time that was previously devoted to quality time with partners, sleeping, and chosen activities by parents for themselves. Overall, the report tells us that 41% of parents say that most days they are “so stressed they cannot function” and 48% say that their stress is “completely overwhelming compared to other adults.”
For primary caregivers of children with developmental and mental health challenges, the strain of childcare can be even more impactful. Caring for children who need extra support due to special needs, emotional dysregulation, behavioral challenges, or other kinds of developmental and mental health differences, can easily become the core of a caregiver’s life. Attending to these needs can mean extra appointments on the calendar, greater levels of patience at home, building accommodations into routines, advocating for your child at school, and consistent planning to help them work towards a successful future.
The work that caregivers do for children is beyond valuable, whether your child needs extra support or not. Often, people can take for granted how difficult parenting can be. Without proper support, caregivers can be at risk for developing “caregiver burnout” and a result of chronic stress and feelings of being overwhelmed by the responsibilities of caregiving.
For caregivers of kids with developmental or mental health challenges, the risk of caregiver burnout is greater. Some studies have shown that these caregivers are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, insomnia, fatigue, and marital problems than others. Research has also found that chronic stress experienced by caregivers can also put them at a higher risk for medical issues as a result of increased levels of cortisol, a stress hormone. One study discovered that parents of children with either autism or ADHD had higher levels of cortisol and CRP, which is a biological indicator that links to health issues including diabetes and heart disease. Caregivers also report experiencing feelings of isolation and exhaustion in relation to caregiver burnout. Often, caregivers of kids with higher needs or challenging behaviors can feel disconnected from their social support networks, and at times, even their family and spouse. The high levels of stress and time-intensive care that comes with raising these children can create feelings of alienation, self-blame, and exhaustion. Many times, people don’t share the challenging parts of their lives publicly, so when your world feels like it’s crumbling, it makes sense to feel like you’re alone or that no one else can understand.
A lot of times, the message that parents receive is that to be a good parent, especially for higher needs kids, the more time and energy you put into caregiving the better off they will be. But this neglects the importance of taking care of your own needs in order to show up for your family. Without making time for yourself, you are putting your mental and physical wellbeing at risk. If you are not doing well yourself, how can you show up the way that you want to for your children?
The U.S. Surgeon General’s report concludes by indicating that self-care for caregivers is a key part of family health and wellness and acknowledges that it can be difficult to put yourself first as a parent. Even so, small steps taken to reduce stress can make a difference. The advisory reminds us that “setting healthy boundaries that allow one to take such time should not bring guilt or shame but rather be seen as vital actions that can ultimately benefit parents and caregivers as well as their children.”